I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it.

True love.  With my new memory foam mattress.

That's all.

Oh, the weather outside is DELIGHTFUL!

It's far easier to feel happy when the weather is lovely.  And the weather has been quite lovely here in my tiny little corner of the world.   So, for a little bit I'm going to try to forget all the stuff that's been bringing me down, leave work early, and have a little fun.

It's Warm...So:

1. I dug out my collection of short shorts and my legs love it.
2. It's time to go camping.
3. Grilling is a regular occurrence at my little house.
4. The adventure I'm going on is coming closer...and I can't wait to breathe in some ocean air.
5. Lakes, boats, and swimming are on the calendar.
6. Less utility bills, more windows open.
7. Lily and I are gardening (yes, even with my black thumb) and our vegetables will be delicious.
8. The Farmer's Market is up and running...and within biking distance.
9. Skin gets tan, freckles appear, hair goes wild....everyone is hotter when it's hot.
10. It's effortless to be active when there's outside to explore.

A Little Positivity

In college, I took a Strengths Finder test, and positivity was one of my top strengths.  After I had been out of college for a few years, I took the test again, and somehow the strength of positivity had disappeared.  I like to think of myself more as a realist, and it's hard to have positivity when you work with people going through pain.

I've kind of hated the last couple months of my life...and this week hasn't been much better.  However, in a quest to re-capture a tiny bit of the positivity I one possessed, I shall post a list today of the little bright spots of this last week (no matter how trivial).

Moments of Happy This Last Week:

1. Noticing the non-head hair on the toilet seat at work BEFORE sitting down.
2. Chasing a tiny, giggling, quinoa-covered child around in wild circles after she spent the day with her beloved Tia.
3. Grilling a whole mess of food up with friends, awkward dancing after eating two steaks, having the police called on our gathering, and not getting a ticket.
4. Seeing the sun.
5. Being able to spend time with people I love...and having Lily refer to them as the "kids."  Even though they are all adults.
6. Several random reconnection's with friends I haven't talked to in ages.
7. Watching dance tutorials on YouTube...and failing miserably at pulling the moves off.
8. Having my underwear, bra, and outfit all match WITHOUT planning it.
9. Making stuffed mushrooms with no recipe and nailing it.
10. Getting the deepest deep tissue massage of my life.  Massage therapy is the best therapy!  I usually go to the massage school since the price is right, but I splurged this time and it was worth it.

There are still some things to smile about.

Pain, Pain, Go Away...Or Not

Why do bad things happen?

The tragedies that have been hitting the news.  My job working with people experiencing sudden devastating loss.  The hurt I am currently struggling with.  That question continually barrages me as I go about daily life, and I wish I had the answers to it.  Yes, I know the traditional answer stemming from a Judeo-Christian view of sin, Satan, and God.   I’ve looked at the question from a Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, and Atheistic point of view.  But, that’s not really what I want to address in this particular post.

In the end, the answer to this question really doesn’t matter.  Sure, it would be nice to know.  The fact remains…good, bad, or neutral…events take place in our lives and we really have very little to no control of what is going to take place.  Even if we knew why things happened a certain way, it wouldn’t change the fact that they still happen, so how do we deal with the chaos of life circumstances?

Well, sometimes we close ourselves off (and I’m speaking from my own experience).  We get stuck in the I-don’t-give-a-fuck mentality and stuff down our natural instinct to actually care.  We numb ourselves with substances, medication, work, or technology.  We work very hard to prevent ourselves from becoming vulnerable, because to be vulnerable means that we are opening ourselves up to the great possibility of pain, heartbreak, and despair.  The problem is when we don’t open ourselves up to pain, anger, hurt, or bad things in general, we also can't experience love, passion, and joy.  There is a lot of power in vulnerability, and opening yourself up is a risk, but it's worth it.

So what does that have to do with bad things happening?

Well, we can live our lives in fear…that’s what terrorism is really about, right?  We can numb our feelings to avoid pain.  We can stop experiencing life because we’re afraid of what might happen.  We can avoid driving because a crash might kill us.  We can stay at home because something horrific might happen at the grocery store.  We can avoid human interaction because we might be rejected, or made fun of, or have our hearts broken.  We can plan out our every step as we go into the future so we’re prepared for anything. We can look at tragedy and loss and get angry or really scared and try to figure out why it all happened and who is to blame.

OR…

We can look at tragedy and painful experiences and realize that life is really fragile and we don’t know what’s going to happen in the next minute, day, month, or year.  Instead of plodding through all of it as zombies, or letting fear determine our life path, we can let down the walls we surround ourselves with and really feel.  Instead of trying to figure out answers to why something happened a certain way, we can accept that stuff happens in life that is out of our control. 

Life is fucking short.  After tragedy touches our lives, we often look at things in retrospect and have regrets.  No more, “I wish I had…”  If you have a kid, hold them a little longer, be silly and play with them.  Let go of hurt and anger to forgive past wrongs someone did to you.  Reach out and mend bridges you’ve burned.  If you miss someone, tell them.  Open up your heart, embrace vulnerability, and unconditionally love.  Dismiss fear and excuses.  Appreciate the beauty that is in this world.  Do what you love, and love what you do.  Let's all choose to value each moment in everyday life no matter how trivial, and live as much in the present as we do in the future. 

Lily-isms

Since I'm oh-so-very enthralled with my precocious two-year-old daughter, I happen to find most of what she says quite adorable.  However, I know how people get annoyed at their facebook feed being clogged with kid stuff, so I'll just blog it.  Booyah.

Conversations With My Toddler:

Me: Don't kick that, baby.
Lily:  I'm not baby.  I'm Lily.
Me: Oh, so you're not a baby anymore?
Lily:  No, Lily has boobs like mommy and Lily drinks coffee like mommy.

Lily (as she's running around the yard and shaking her head around):  I'm CRAZY, mommy!  CRAZY!

Me:  Lily, did you poop in your pull-up?
Lily:  No, mommy.  It's not poop.  Just toots.
Me:  Lily...
Lily:  Lily is lying. *runs away*

Me:  *crying*
Lily:  Mommy, don't cry.  It's okay.  Mommy eat curry and ice cream and don't be sad.  Wee-wee (her stuffed penguin) kiss mommy's heart better.

Me: Lily, eat your dinner.
Lily:  Lily is so sick.  Sick and tired.  Lily needs treats.

Lily: *stuffing her toy food in the dog's mouth*:  Mmmmm....it's good.  Ella doggy LOVES it.  Lily make Ella doggy some dinner.

Lily: Oh.  My.  God.
Me:  Lily!  Who taught you that?
Lily:  Mommy did.
Me:  NO!  I don't say that.
Lily:  Lily is lying.  Ella doggy said it.

Lily:  *singing*  Lily and mommy, best of friends.

Notes I didn't send this week

Dear Lady Sitting Next To Me,

We are at a political event with a lot of politicians.  It's kind of a big deal.  I don't understand how you simultaneously smell like cat piss and a rotten vagina, but you accomplished it.  It looks like you showered this morning.  It does not smell like you did.

Sincerely,

Michelle


Dear Child of Mine,

I love you so much, and you are incredibly adorable.  However, if you don't get your little tushy in bed right now, Mommy is going to flip shit.  No, you cannot have two more minutes.

Love,

Mommy


Dear Recent Ex-Boyfriend,

So...I'm not really feeling this whole breakup thing.  It's just not working out.  Maybe we should look at other options besides this, mmmkay?  Remember that text you sent me?  "I miss you.  I miss us.  Come back tomorrow and I'll be very happy."  Yeah...I understand it now.

Love,

Michelle


Dear Acquaintance Who Keeps Inviting Me To Parties Where You Sell Crap,

I'm busy.  And poor.  And even if I had all the money in the world, I wouldn't buy that overpriced trash.  When I say I'm too busy to come, it's because I'm at home.  Making a smoothie for dinner.  Out of grapes.  Fermented grapes.  Yes, I'm having wine for dinner.

Good Luck,

Michelle

Staying Classy...Facebook Style

Facebook.  It's what brings us together today (yes, that was a Princess Bride reference).

Well, sometimes.  Facebook has been fabulous for reconnecting with people we wouldn't see/talk to otherwise (thus negating the need for class reunions and other awkward get-togethers), but is it always a good thing?  Facebook has also been a major factor in the breakup of many relationships and friendships, caused jealousy, advanced stalking tactics, and perhaps is leading to a society of socially inept over sharers. 

My personal Facebook pet peeves are people "liking" their own comments or using unnecessary hash tags, but I believe the lack of common sense used by grown adults is perhaps more startling.  Now, I'm not passing judgement on anyone...heck, I've made my own Facebook fails...but I've compiled the following list of tips for those of you who would prefer to stay classy online.

Michelle's Fantastic Facebook Advice (Compiled From Real-Life Observations):

1. Fetuses, toddlers, or pets should not have their own Facebook account.  It may sound like a good idea to some, but it's probably because you're insane.  And even though some of your friends might think it's cute to be friends with an ultrasound photo that has "Can't wait to come out in 4 months," or "I love making mommy throw up every morning," most of your friends just think you've gone bat-shit crazy.
2. Even if your profile is set to private, nothing is really private.  Think about that next time you're job hunting, casually dating, or in trouble with the law.  A potential employer or date might not think the profile picture of you dancing on a pole or passed out with a sharpie penis drawn on your forehead is quite as funny as your friends do.  If you're on probation, have a warrant, or are waiting on an upcoming court case, be careful what you post.  One of your "friends" might decide to pass on the info you're sharing to someone who could use it.  If you're involved in a messy custody case don't put anything on your Facebook that you wouldn't want used in court. 
3. It's probably a good idea to refrain from posting photos of other people's children on your Facebook.  If it's a friend's kid or a group of kids playing with your kid, it's nice to tag the parents in the photo.  If you start dating a single parent, don't put pictures of their kid on your account.  It's creepy.  Especially if you're wearing matching outfits or it appears you are trying to be their new mommy/daddy.  After you've been dating for awhile, or if you get hitched some photos are ok, but don't go overboard. 
4. Ah, Facebook drama...for some reason people get really fired up about things on the internet.  Sarcasm can be lost in translation or people get hurt or angry about posts that might have been harmless to begin with.  I happen to have a rather inappropriate sense of humor...but there are a few subjects it's probably not good to joke about online.  After all, you might have forgotten when you added the pastor, your grandma, or maybe even a friend who experienced some trauma you don't even know about.  Thus, jokes about domestic violence, rape, or child abuse are probably not Facebook appropriate.  That being said, we should all stop being so easily offended...it is the internet.
5. It's never classy to air your dirty laundry on Facebook.  Your best friend and significant other hooked up?  It really sucks, but tell your close friends instead of putting it all out there.  Breakups suck, divorce sucks, friends who hurt you suck, but your sad/mad posts either make your Facebook friends uncomfortable or entertain those who don't really care.
6. Along a similar line...the dreaded relationship status...  First, it's best to talk to whoever is involved IN PERSON before changing it one way or another.  It's rather awkward to get a relationship request from someone you don't think you're in a relationship with.  It's more painful than awkward to find out via Facebook that you're being broken up with.  Personally, I think during a breakup or divorce, making your relationship status invisible to your friend list is the best course of action.  No matter how messy, painful, or volatile a split is, I think it's rather admirable to keep it private.  Remember, at one time you cared enough about the other party enough to have a relationship with them and it's classy to respect that.  If you simply MUST show everyone that you are single again, unhide your relationship status, but delete the little news feed/timeline notification that says "_____ went from being 'married/in a relationship' to 'single.'"  The breakup/rebound vultures will swoop in soon enough if that's what you want, and publicly announcing your breakup is rather childish.  A friend of mine (who I hope isn't reading this) split from his girlfriend of 5 years, and not only left the Facebook breakup update public, he also "liked" it and wrote a comment underneath bashing his ex and declaring how happy he was that he was single again.  Immature for a guy in his 30s?  Yeah, but the breakup was messy and he wanted everyone to know.  When he finally was ready to start dating again guess who wouldn't go out with him?  Every female on his friends list, but most of all the ex-girlfriend who he decided he wanted to fix things with.  You never know who is watching, and remaining classy is something you won't regret.
7. It's weird to share people's photos when you don't really know them or whoever is in the picture.  I have a few Facebook male friends who will "share" not only bikini photos from the models they "friended," but also candid photos (not of them)  from their female acquaintance's profiles...creepy.
8. Lastly, stop over sharing.  No one wants to hear about your yeast infection, constipation, or a minute-by-minute replay of how your labor is going.  Don't post pictures of your kid's first poop in the potty.  Yes, I know it's a proud parenting moment, but please stop.  You don't need to tell us what you've had to eat each meal.  And PLEASE don't let everyone know that you're going on vacation for a week.  It's an invitation for your home to get burglarized...especially if you have your address on your profile.  It just takes one friend to leave their account open on a public computer and you'll come home to an empty house.  Couples, stop with the gushy declarations of love as well as passive-aggressive posts complaining about your significant other.

That's all for now...any good tips you all can add to my list?

Salt Water

There a strange pattern I discovered recently.  For some reason, the most painful life situations that lead to great leaps in my self-growth journey seem to take place during this time of year.  This last month has been no different.  But with the pain comes progress.  Discoveries.  Learning. Clarity.

Through the sadness, turmoil, confusion, and anger, I am becoming a more complete and healthy version of myself.  And that's a good thing, really. 

I don't have all the answers.  I will continue to make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them.  After all, life is a process and we're kind of just here for the ride.

So, you got in trouble with the law?

***DISCLAIMER***
I'm not a lawyer, and this isn't legal advice.  Just stuff that should be common sense, but apparently isn't.  Read and absorb at your own risk.  I am not accountable for anything that happens if you follow my guidance.  Court rules and regulations vary by jurisdiction.  Follow the rules of your court and BAZINGA.

I have spent a lot of time in the last few months in court.

District court.

Dealing with FELONIES.

Don't get all concerned and stage an intervention.  It's my job.  And during this time, I've gained a lot of valuable insight.  While I'm sure that none of the upstanding readers of this blog will EVER find themselves in trouble and headed to court...I felt compelled to share some absolutely free tips on dealing with the judicial system.  Believe me, I'm not on your side.  I just feel generous today.


Step-By-Step Guide To Dealing With Your Court Case:

1. BAM!  You fucked up.  Got in trouble for something...and may have been arrested.  Start straightening up now.  Are you lucky enough to have been released on bond or your own recognizance?  Lucky you.  It's probably wise to follow the terms of your release.  If you aren't suppose to drink, don't.  If you're not suppose to contact your alleged victim, don't.  You mess up and someone finds out...off to jail for you.
   
2. The very first minute you can access the internet, delete your facebook/twitter/whatever-stupid-shit-you-overshare-on-via-the-internet.  Making it private isn't going to be enough, and it doesn't look good when you show up for a hearing on your "alleged" crime and the prosecuting attorney has a print-out of all the stuff you "privately" shared with your friends.  Or publicly.  You'd be surprised at what I can find by simply googleing your name.
   
3. Keep your nose clean.  You messed up once.  That can be fixed.  You mess up some more?  Well, you're looking at more time eating baloney sandwiches and carving shives from your bar of soap.
   
4.  Are you heading to court?  It starts that morning.  TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER, "alleged" CRIMINAL!  Yeah, your mom says beauty is on the inside, but if you show up looking like you just committed the crime you're accused of...well...it's not good.  If you're a guy...SHAVE YOUR DISGUSTING FACE PUBES.  Cut your hair.  Wear a suit...and not your birthday suit.  Basically, you should look like a normal law-abiding citizen.  You can express your personality later.  Girls...comb your hair!  Wear natural makeup!  Put on some clean, attractive, and relatively plain clothing.  FOR PITY SAKES, "alleged" CRIMINALS!  Leave your sweatpants, pj pants, apple-bottom jeans, boots with the fur, house slippers, shirts with vulgar/sexist/racist/nasty messages at home and wear a little business casual AT LEAST.  Yeah, it's not suppose to play into your sentencing.  It does.  It will.  And if you have a jury trial?  Well, little-old-lady-juror-number-seven isn't going to think your style is self-expression.  She's going to think you look like a punk trouble-maker.  It's worth the effort, believe me.
   
5. When you drive into the parking lot...turn off your music.  No Scarface, Eminem, old-school gangsta rap, misogynistic lyric shit.  Play hymns if you need music.  You never know if you're parking next to a juror, judge, prosecuting attorney, or law enforcement.  On the same line...SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH.  Don't talk about your parties, wild life, or future plans of debachery if you're in trouble.  You never know who is listening...and if you're blabbing away, don't be surprised if your words get brought up during your court case.  Partying this weekend?  SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH!  I've heard so much incriminating information simply wandering the halls of the district court.
   
6. Make copies of everything you can.  Lawyers suck...especially public defenders.  If they piss off a judge, you'll pay.  Bring all the information regarding your case, and it will only benefit you if they need it.
   
7. Show a little respect.  You act like a tool, lie, roll your eyes, sleep, act bored, or make exaggerated signs of emotion, and you'll be screwed.  The judge/jury decide how long you're going to pay for your choice...you want to make a good impression.
   
8. Irony isn't funny in court.  If you are charged with domestic violence, don't wear a wife-beater.  No MMA shirts for you assault criminals.  Get a DUI?  Show up sober, please.  Possession?  Leave your drugs at home.  Seriously, though.  Guy got busted not long ago in my city for trying to bring his meth in during his trial.  For being a meth cook.  Chi-mo?  Don't wink at the kids showing up for their JV charges.   Leave your tiny outfits at home, "alleged" prostitutes, and try something a little more conservative.

It's common sense, you'd think.  But it's not for some.  And if you decide to show up in your slippers and PJs.  Well, I might be there making sure justice is served.  And I look pretty damn good in my pantsuit.

This Week

Fuck.  FUCK, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

I'm done with this fucking week.